In June 2005 I was a happy new mum to my second child, I had just received my place at university and was in a loving and stable relationship. We were full of excitement for the future, we had wedding plans and I was genuinely feeling quite content. My first chid had died at three months old six years previous, due to cot-death (SIDS), so feeling positive, stable and excited were no mean feat!
Fast-forward to a Saturday in October, my partner was working overtime so he woke up early, kissed me goodbye and off he went. He died just a few hours later from Sudden death and once again my life was thrown instantly into what seemed like a spinning vortex of pain, confusion and anxiety
What is sudden death?
Sudden Adult death Syndrome, for the majority, can be linked to an undetected heart condition. However, in a small number of deaths there is no discernible cause, much like Cot Death , for example: when my son died there was nothing in the post-mortem to suggest anything but a normal functioning healthy baby. In fact, the coroner commented how well looked after he was. In the case of my partner, the same. However, because he already had a diagnosis of Epilepsy, his death was sub-categorised as Sudden death in Epilepsy despite no seizure taking place at the time of
death and having 12 months seizure free. In short, there remains an element of mystery and this not only exasperates the trauma but also complicates how survivors process their grief.
Grieving Sudden Unexpected Death
The grieving process is very complex and unique to every individual and there are many factors that can influence how you’ll experience it: previous bereavements, mental health, support network, religious beliefs are just a few. Because of the sudden nature of this type of bereavement the process can be much slower and the feeling of shock can initially be paralysing. My experience of this left me unable to process information and wanting to withdraw into a safe place.
The grief process was famously categorised into five stages by Swiss psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (1969) and later revised to incorporate a wider range of emotions and thus became the seven stages, which are as follows:
shock and disbelief
denial
guilt
anger and bargaining
depression, loneliness and reflection
reconstruction (or ‘working through’)
acceptance
These should be seen as a guide to possible emotions you may experience rather than a definitive list after all, there is no right way to grieve and this process is definitely non-linear.
Here are my top tips on how to navigate this terribly difficult experience.
1) Find a safe space
This may be a quiet room in your house, garden or elsewhere but the important aspect is that you feel able to express your emotions freely in that space. Make this space comfortable. You may want to have candles, special pictures, cushions, blankets and tissues.
2) There is no correct way to grieve
I touched on this point earlier but it is crucial to understand this because as you travel this path you or sometimes other people will put pressure (often without realising it) on you to be ‘together’ or ‘fully-functioning’ when actually you just need to release that burden and allow yourself the time and space you deserve to deal with the emotions in your own unique way. If you don’t feel like facing a social gathering, don’t force yourself. Just be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to adapt.
3) Talk
Find relatives or friends that will just listen without judgement and re-telling their own stories. People invariably share their own stories with good intention but sometimes it can be overwhelming.
4) Release Your Emotions
It’s definitely okay to cry, shout, scream just try to be in a safe environment. In the western world we often try to hide our emotions for fear of being judged but this is massively damaging to your mental and physical health. If we don’t express how we feel how can we begin to process and heal from painful life events?
5) Diet
It’s so important to make sure you’re eating well as it will give you the strength you require to combat negative emotions. If you are unable to arrange this initially for yourself then accept offers of help. It’s also tempting to use alcohol as a short-term solution either to help sleep or to find some relief from the intensity of feeling but remember: if you have too much you may feel shaky and less able to deal with emotions and in the longer-term alcohol is a depressive which will just set your recovery back.
6) Sleep
Get as much rest as you can. If you struggle consider using hypnotherapy or guided meditations to relax. Sleeping well will help your body cope with the extra stress it is under.
7) Talk to a professional
If things feel unmanageable then talk to a doctor, councillor or life-coach. A councillor will listen to you and give general advice and Life-coach can help you make attainable goals and even help re-programme your reaction to the emotions you experience.
If you're experiencing grief and would like to chat about how we can work through it together please reach out
Thank you its almost 3 years n the struggle is